For the first time in 15 months, I’m in England. And guess what – it’s raining!
Well not now, but it was earlier. But that’s not the point anyway, and even if it was, you have to laugh about it, otherwise you’d cry. But this isn’t exactly a joyous ‘homecoming’. I can’t say I missed England much while I was away having some of the best months of my life. Non-TCKs (or even just non-travellers) are always surprised by my answer when they ask me where I’m from. What amuses me is that when I tell them that I have 3 passports and have lived in a bunch of places, they think they’ll make it easier for me by asking me “So then where’s home for you?” Yes… far easier. Some people react like a guy I met in a hostel in Hungary, who said “lucky you!”. Yes, in a way lucky me, but it’s not the perfect life they seem to make it out to be. Other people think it’s weird or think that I’m actually more defined by my nationalities than I am – like the French girl I met once in Belgium who stopped talking to me as soon as I said that technically, yes, I was actually American (she didn’t even wait to find out who I voted for)! What people often don’t realise is that you may feel ‘at home’ in a foreign country or even just travelling in a foreign country, but often TCKs don’t feel at home in their passport country.
I’ve always looked at nationalities as a fairly pointless label, a means of having a passport to get around. I tend to call ‘home’ countries passport countries for that very reason. I have these labels and use them when I need to get somewhere, but they don’t define me. So why does England bother me? Is it because I’m supposed to be from here, but just don’t fit in and don’t always even feel welcome? The weather maybe plays a small role, but it’s also something to do with the people. In the other places I’ve lived I’ve been able to put any quirks or attitudes or habits I wasn’t familiar with or didn’t like down to just the cultural differences, and have been perfectly happy to accept them as such. Knowing that there were these differences made things more interesting, more educational and, often, more entertaining. Things like battling through a shoving, stampeding crowd in India to get to the front of a line for something as banal as an entrance ticket, or putting up with the Chinese spitting habit, where you might find a spittoon next to your chair in a restaurant (entertaining when the guy at the table 5m away from your starts eyeing up the spittoon and clearing his throat; you just have to hope he’s got good aim).
But in England I find things which I don’t do and which get on my nerves. There are the xenophobes who make even me feel unwelcome, there are those who aren’t necessarily xenophobic but who don’t want to leave the country, there are the binge-drinkers, and then of course those people who don’t understand the reason for learning another language, like one man, clearly well-travelled (that was sarcastic for the record), who tried to explain to me that my engineering with French degree wasn’t worth it because “everyone in the world speaks English anyway”. What’s almost worse is that people consider you to be both – a foreigner and British – sometimes called a hidden immigrant. Which I guess is true, but sometimes it puts you in a situation where people bash foreigners and you sit there thinking “uh, thanks guys, what does that make me?”
Maybe it’s because here I’m actually involved in the ‘normal’ society; I will freely admit that as an expat brat in a 3rd world country you can be sheltered to a certain extent and tend to live in a sort of bubble. Some choose to do so more than others – diplomats have the opportunity to be the most ‘bubbled’ because they have their embassy compound where the host country ends at the walls and the passport country begins, a little enclave with passport country products and customs. As an oil brat I didn’t have the embassy influence, but I did have the international school bubble. In any society you’ll find the xenophobes and people with views that you don’t agree with, but in an international school bubble I suppose those are fewer and far-er between.
What I would like to figure out is if I’m looking at it objectively, or is there a subconscious part of me which notices these negative points more than the positives for a particular reason (i.e. the fact that this is ‘home’, but not), or is it simply a question of integration as I tried to explain in the previous paragraph? Do other TCKs have a similar feeling towards their passport country/ies? I don’t have the same opinion of Switzerland, but there’s the integration question again as I’ve never really lived there and have certainly never become as integrated into society there as I have in England.
On the bright side (if there is one with all these clouds and rain) I’ll only be here for 5 months – and apart for graduation may not be in England for years.
For now I guess I’ll just put on some French music and daydream about skiing or hiking in the Alps, or swimming in the Lac d’Annecy with friends, or visiting ice sculpture festivals with my Erasmus buddies in Belgium.
Very interesting thoughts. I had a similar discussion with an old friend when I was in Switzerland this summer for a school friend’s wedding. I was saying to her that going back to Norway, I have so many negative feelings about it (many positive too, I hasten to add!), I feel like people are quite narrow minded, the news are so centered on Norway, the conversation seems so insular….and she just looked at me like I was a bit stupid, and said: “kristine, thats how we all feel when we go back to our countries”. It’s not the country’s fault, it’s ours…I understand entirely what you are saying about the UK – but for me, the UK is so lovable despite its flaws.; for some reason, Norway loses brownie points with each flaw. I guess I am more critical of the place I am supposed to feel ‘ownership’ of.
On the whole, my experience is that is it so much harder to move ‘home’ than to move anywhere else.
I agree, moving ‘home’ is harder than moving to any other country, but it’s so frustrating. Your point about it being us and not the country is a good one to keep in mind. For someone who leaves their home country and years later goes back, obviously it’s him or her who has changed, not the country, even if it’s easy to put the blame on the country.
Maybe our reaction is just a result of our nationality/’home’ country being essentially forced upon us, in particular if you’ve grown up in other countries and gone to your passport country to live for the first time as an adult. There’s no particular reason for you to belong to that country, yet socially you’re supposed to be patriotic, accept everything including the flaws unconditionally, etc. and that’s just not how we work.
I think it’s a question of expectations and identification…
In my passport country I’m expected to fit in. People take for granted that I think they way they do and that I feel what they feel. While in any other country I’m almost expected to be different, and therefore it’s ok that I don’t fully fit in, and people rather ask me for my opinion than take for granted what it might be.
When I look at people that isn’t from my passport country and see their quirky behaviour it can be funny, odd, interesting, or whatever, but it isn’t a part of me, and therefore I can like it or dislike it without giving to much meaning to it. But when I look at the people I’m supposed to identify with, and just don’t agree with their behaviour or traditions it gets tricky. I don’t think “we Swedes blah, blah…” but rather “the Swedes blah, blah…” and when I fail to identify fully with the group that I’m expected to identify with the quirky behaviour is no longer just odd and funny, but disturbing because people believe it’s a part of me.
Hi Nick,
I came across your site when I saw your link on the tckid blogs list page (http://www.tckid.com/group/third-culture-kids-blogs/#comments)
I read your post here and I have to agree with many things you said. Some people find it lucky for you to have grown up in many places in developmental years but they don’t understand the pain of moving, adjusting to new cultures and learning the new language and adapting to the new system.
I am a Korean by passport but similar to what kristine and sara said the passport country which is supposed to be my “home” is where I associate negative feelings. Koreans put me into their cultural identities and cultures, labeling me and seeing me as another Korean and expect me to be like them.
You said, “There’s no particular reason for you to belong to that country, yet socially you’re supposed to be patriotic, accept everything including the flaws unconditionally, etc. and that’s just not how we work.” I get you and this is how I feel, too.
Thanks for the comment Miyon, it’s good to know other people identify with the same problem. It’s just so frustrating when people learn about where we’ve lived and say “wow, lucky you”, because they aren’t getting the whole picture. On top of that, the negative feelings towards passport countries makes it hard to work out where to go in the future – I don’t know where I want to go, but I don’t really want to stay.
Oh yes, the infernal question- “Where are you from!?” and no one is satisfied until they get an answer THEY think is right
….I was born and raised in Singapore- even carry a Singapore passport- have only spent 7 years of my life in the States (I’m 47)– BUT woe unto me if I try to say I’m anything but a United States Citizen– people just don’t want to believe it. 
After trans versing the globe, I’m now in the United States- and feeling very much like the ‘hidden immigrant’ you mentioned in your post. I think the reason we feel more at home in other countries- other than our passport country or country of birth- is because we feel ‘different’ no matter where we go- but in other countries we are allowed to be different
In some countries we look the same but we think different- other countries we look different but we think the same- still in other countries we look different and think different- so, let’s face it- we are different! ha ha!
by the way- really enjoyed your post!!